Melancholy.

2011-05-07T18:14:00.001+10:00

7th May '11.

This is the day I give up on us.

2011-04-30T18:29:00.002+10:00

Fuck you.
With every bit of my heart, fuck you.
I fucking hate this.
I fucking can't stand it anymore.
Fuck you.

You can look at other girls from now on.
You can be with other girls from now on.

I don't want to have anything to do with you.
Because you know what?

What we have isn't love.

2011-02-12T01:00:00.001+11:00

On the 10th December 2010, I promised not to write about you anymore because I never got anything out of it.

Two months flew by just like that.
Everday I ask myself when you would get up and leave. And tell me that you're sorry that you once loved me. That you feel this isn't what you want, that you want out. I miss you. I miss you so fucking much everyday.

I don't really know what's happening between us, but it hurts a lot. It really does. I struggle to tell you it's okay. I'm in Year 12, my final year, and I don't even want to THINK about leaving you behind when I leave Balwyn High.

Because being apart from you hurts.
Do you hurt?
Do you even love me still?

2010-12-10T14:32:00.005+11:00

This will be my last post for this blog.

Funny how I don't feel that worthless although he tries so hard to make me feel that way.
Because I'm strong, right?
No.
I can lie to myself all I want, haha.

It's not worth writing here anymore.
I'll be creating a new private blog, any readers of this who's interested in the new link please feel free to ask me. Thank you everyone.

2010-12-10T10:31:00.003+11:00

It's day one without him.
But I know I should NEVER look back.
Clearly, he doesn't care about me.
Clearly, he only says things to fucking hurt me. "It's not like you're not bitching about it now."
Clearly, it's never going to work out, and he's NEVER, EVER going to genuinely try.
Clearly, he's trying to make me hate him, and it's working.

Clearly; that's the description of how I feel about him.
Clearly I love him.

2010-12-09T15:03:00.005+11:00

I wonder if it's actually possible to run out of tears. Cry them all away.
If it's possible, I wonder why I haven't run dry yet.

It's clear by now that in the end, what really matters, is him. Not just to me, but to himself as well. The fact that I've been wracked with worry doesn't bother him. No, not at all. It's just about him. What he wants. What he thinks he deserves. What he wants, he'll get. Never about me. NEVER.

Why do I spend my time worrying about someone, who doesn't say thank you, but rather gets cross at me? Why do I? Am I genuinely in love? Doesn't love work both ways? I heard from someone that in order for 'true love' to work, it has to work both ways. If it's only one-sided, one day, the love will definitely die. I'm not sure what type of 'love' ours is.

I used to feel doing all those annoying things, were routine. I did them all because I loved him. Nagged at him for his own good. "Wash your hands, drink water." Everything. I did them all because I loved him. I've never really gotten anything out of it. All for his own welfare. When was the last time, he's said thank you? I can only DREAM if I want to switch on my phone and receive a thankful text. I can honestly look forward to a, "Wtf, ==, yeah whatever I don't care lol".

I guess all he wants is for me to piss the fuck off, and get out of his life, leave him alone, stop nagging.

For once, it might not be such a bad thing.

2010-12-09T13:18:00.001+11:00

I guess he really doesn't care..
Didn't call.. didn't text..
I'm so hurt.

But how do I move on?

2010-12-09T10:09:00.001+11:00

Balling my eyes out..
I knew something would happen.
I just fucking knew it.
But he NEVER listened.

2010-12-09T10:05:00.002+11:00

I'm crippled with worry..
I can't eat, can't think, can't do anything.
Can't do anything but call all his friends, hoping one of them is online on Facebook.

None of them picked up their phone, or were on Facebook.
What does that mean?
Did something happen?

As soon as I find him, if I do find him, if everything is okay, then I'll have to talk with him.

Maybe the last talk we'll ever have.
Because I don't think I can do this anymore.

2010-12-08T23:41:00.004+11:00

Sometimes I wish that he would listen to what I say. What I worry about, what I want.. I'm so insignificant. I'm hearing his sweet voice as I desperately try to type this on my iTouch.. I'm so scared of what would happen if anything should ever happen to him.. I rather be safe than sorry..

After everything, it's ironic how his voice doesn't soothe me anymore, but rather a reminder of someone I'm so scared to lose. What if one day I never hear it again? What am I going to do? Does he even care if I were to be left behind on this Earth all by myself? I'm so scared of being alone.. don't ever leave me..

I can't live without you.

2010-12-06T13:50:00.003+11:00

Have you ever felt like someone's your entire world, you love them so much it fucking hurts?
Have you ever felt like despite all your efforts, that person probably doesn't care?
Have you ever felt like you've tried so hard and failed, and you're on the verge of giving up?

I have.
All three of these.

2010-12-06T00:26:00.000+11:00

I'm not sure if I know the meaning of love anymore.

2010-12-04T17:38:00.002+11:00

Reading back on this morning.. I regret writing all this. But if this is meant to be a blog to look back on, then I have no choice but to keep it.

I can't see him today, because he has work. And after, he's going to go to a party, doing God-knows-what. I've never disapproved of it until now.. but I'm sure he doesn't care.
I can't see him tomorrow, because he has a wedding reception.
I can't see him Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.

I fear I may not be able to hold out for long.
I wonder if things will ever be the same again.

2010-12-04T12:16:00.001+11:00

I guess venting was a good thing.. because now I'm ready to smile and act like everything's alright. It's okay, I know you'll never read my blog, but I can treat this like it's an online diary.

I love you.

2010-12-04T11:23:00.004+11:00

I cried my eyes out yesterday night for you, all because you wouldn't listen to my side of the story, all because you wanted to get your way, all because you refused to reason, all because you just had to be right. All because you don't fucking care.

Don't try to put me in my place to show me who's dominant, because it doesn't make me think you're 'strong', it makes me feel like you're a dickhead who doesn't genuinely care about me. Don't try to push the blame completely onto me, knowing I'm fucking helpless, knowing every time you fucking hang up on me, I cry my eyes out, while you just fucking go do something else. Don't fucking think that. I used to say, "If it's not your fault, then it's mine." while you said, "Sometimes it's nobody's fault." Well, you were right. I feel like it was nobody's fault yesterday. I'm fucking obsesssed with you. My life revolves around you. Does yours revolve around me? Fucking no. I'm fucking angry, you know why? Because it's PLAIN FUCKING OBVIOUS that I can't live without you, that I try my best to show the the FUCKING WORLD how much you mean to me, BUT YOU, either with a god-damn attitude problem, or just plain BLINDNESS, can't fucking see it. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU SEE ANYWAY? Don't try to do this to me. DON'T fucking push the fact that you KNOW that I truly love you. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. But every time you hurt me on purpose, every time you try to show me who's boss, TRUST ME, things fucking change. I just don't fucking believe it. It's so bullshit. I thought if I slept it off I would get less upset. Fucking wrong.

I can't just sleep something off when it's going to bother me for the rest of my life. It's not Formspring, no, it's the fact that I realised you'll never listen to my side of the story, because you KNOW, you FUCKING KNOW, that even if you tried to act dominant, I wouldn't fucking leave. That's the thing that fucking bothers me. You don't want to be fair, you don't want to reason. You just want to win. Even if it kills me. Even if my heart breaks into two. Even when I choke on my own tears, struggling to speak, talking to friends who stay on the line with me because they're sympathetic. I don't want their sympathy, but it just proves, they pity me. Why? Because they know I love you so fucking much, yet perhaps I don't receive the desired effect back? Why? Can you fucking tell me?

WHY IS IT, every time I try so bloody hard for you, and you realise it, you don't love me more? Instead, you try to PUSH IT, trying to see how much I'll take from you. LIKE I FUCKING SAID, it isn't Formspring, it's the fact that you don't want to fucking listen because you just want your fucking way. Life doesn't fucking work that way, if you want to get 'married', have the decency to at least listen to my side of the story, and TRY to reason. If you genuinely tried to reason and can't see, then okay. But don't try to bullshit to me that you've fucking tried, because mate, you fucking haven't.

I don't know what to say anymore. I feel so fucking used. Why the fuck am I even writing this? You know my blog link, but when was the last fucking time you checked it out? Haha, I know you wouldn't unless I told you to. Some 'love'. I'm fucking bitter at the fact you check out my Formspring regularly to see what I'm saying behind your back, trying desperately to bust me for doing something wrong, always looking on the fucking bad side of things instead of the good one, yet when I have a whole blog dedicated to you, you don't bother checking it out. I'm done trying to look like an obsessed bitch, on Facebook, MSN AND Formspring. Including you in all my answers sweetly doesn't matter to you, you just want to fucking win. You don't care about my feelings.. it's time I realised that. This should be on my angry blog, but for some reason, I feel like it belongs here. Here, yes, as a memory of all the shit we've been through together, good or bad.

Let's just start this one off as one of the worst.
I can cry all I want, but you'll never change.

2010-12-02T11:15:00.003+11:00

I heard Baby rage for the first time really badly yesterday.. and it scared me.
I felt terrible.. I don't want my Baby to ever be angry.. I love him so much..
It hurts when he says things like, "I'm sick of getting rejected all the time, eg. for economics and perishables."

Baby you're never rejected, you'll be able to switch subjects mid-year and I'm sure Safeway will let you move to Perishables soon.. I love you Sweetie, I'm going to make sure you're happy again soon.

I miss you..

2010-12-01T12:43:00.001+11:00

Once again, I don't know what he's doing.
Once again, he doesn't want to talk to me.
Once again, I wonder if he's lying to me.

Once again.

2010-11-29T13:13:00.002+11:00

Back to Square One.
Everything is starting all over again, the attitude, the coldness, the untrue assumptions.

I should've known it was all too good to be true.

2010-11-27T22:19:00.000+11:00

I haven't really been updating this blog, but it's only because things have been great between Baby and I, nothing much to blog about! I get too caught up with phoning with him, therefore having no time to blog about the happy stuff ^___^.

I LOVE YOU BABY-BOTTOM ♥

2010-11-26T11:35:00.002+11:00

I'm proud to say that things haven't been better between Baby and I for the past two days. Yup, two days, a small stepping stone but I'm sure it'll lead to two weeks, then two months, then two years!

Thank you Baby for trying for me..

2010-11-24T16:26:00.001+11:00

Baby thinks he lost his wallet.
He's really angry.. and I can't do anything to calm him down.
I feel so useless when he swears and rages, even if it's not at me. I hate it when he swears.. it's not him.

I'm sorry Baby, I hope you find your wallet soon.

2010-11-24T12:53:00.001+11:00

He's sleeping in really late today.
I just feel the sadness, doubt, and insecurity rushing back for some reason.

2010-11-24T11:55:00.002+11:00

Going through old photos of my best friend(s) and I.
It's quite sad actually, where Fiona and I used to walk around the city, with our TB hair and air forces. Where Viv and I just jumped on the trampoline all night long, stayed up late watching horror movies together.

It's unrelated to Baby, but it was just on my mind.
Sort of hurts thinking back.

I hope one day I find girlfriends, as amazing as you both.

2010-11-23T18:14:00.007+11:00

By a dummy I'd like to call Baby. No you're not Baby, you're fat as! ^___^

2010-11-23T12:20:00.001+11:00

Maybe he's never genuinely appreciated me, or needed me like I needed him, because he knew I would never actually leave.

2010-11-23T00:51:00.003+11:00

Tears well up in my eyes and drip down my face as I desperately try to stifle my sobs and quickly wipe the beads of sadness off my cheek. I have difficulty breathing and the result of this crying would be bloodshot eyes, a runny nose, and a whole lot of confusion and hurt, which never really gets resolved.

This feeling is too familiar.

I've been following my heart all along, because my heart knew what was right. It knew what love was. It knew that if he left, there would be nothing but a hole where he used to be that would never be filled again. But I was wrong.
I'm going to follow my brain now.
I don't need anyone to fill that spot in my heart. Perhaps I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life.

I can't explain the pain I feel, the hurt, the betrayal for some odd reason. I've worked for nothing. I've tried for nothing. In the end, to him, I haven't done FUCKING SHIT. I haven't done shit. I'm worthless. I'm stupid. I never understand.

I know this time it's for real.
I've been too delusional.
I have to move on.
I will move on.

2010-11-22T18:19:00.003+11:00

I remember the times where I would sob silently on his shoulder, soaking his shirt, while he wrapped his arms around me and whispered reassurance in my ear. Where everything would be alright not long after. Where I'd end up smiling like a retard. A retard that he loved.

I hate the fact that all I have to cry on now is my pillow.

I remember the times where I always had to stifle a smile when I saw my phone light up and vibrate. Where we would talk on the phone for hours on end. Where I would ironically cry tears of happiness.

I hate the fact that I'm currently sitting here waiting for his call.

2010-11-22T16:33:00.007+11:00

I feel as though everything is so unfair.
I try so hard to accomodate him, but obviously he doesn't notice me.
I try to let him DotA, hang out with his friends.
But still he thinks I'm a bitch.

I sit around doing nothing, waiting for him to call me, because the only thing I enjoyed using, he didn't like, hence I had to stop using it. I don't like some of the things he does, but I don't think he'd give it up for me. We're not even talking on the phone now, probably because he's angry at me, again. Even knowing my blog link, he merely skimmed through my heartfelt posts, and never addressed our problems.

I just wait for things to fucking get better.
I just wait for the day where I don't have to fucking feel so alone.
Unable to confide in him.
Unable to do anything.

I feel useless, jealous of other girls.
They're prettier, skinnier, smarter and have better voices.
I can't sing yet I kill myself trying.
One day he's just going to leave me for somebody else.

Happy 13 Months Baby.

2010-11-21T23:27:00.007+11:00

Hearing his voice on the phone right now, and I'm proud to say that tomorrow is..

OUR 13TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY!

I had a great day with him today, nothing to complain about ^__^. It's days like these that make me feel like I'm the luckiest person in the entire world. We had plenty of kisses, cuddles, smooches and tickles today! He's been so sweet the whole of today.. I miss his reassuring voice, telling me that everything will be okay, not to be angry, that he would always be here for me. Now it's back. I love him.. and my silly little Baby wants to start becoming 'tank'. So stupid! He's already tank in my eyes.. I feel so safe in his arms, I know that he's extremely strong (even though he's never genuinely exerted force on me before) because everyone else says so! And guys hate admitting that another guy is strong. So teehee, I have the strongest yet silliest Baby. But it's his silliness that makes me love him.. and I can't stop thinking about today.

With every kiss, I love him more.
With every warm hug, I love him more.
With every whispered 'I love you', I love him more.
I'll never stop loving you, Baby.

In 33 minutes, Happy 13 Months Sweetie, thank you for another month of happiness ♥

2010-11-20T23:25:00.004+11:00

All he cares about is a stupid fucking game. DotA.
I'll never be more important than a game. I'm not interesting enough, not good enough. I wish that if I blogged, it would help dispell some anger or sadness, so I don't ever take it out on him.
I don't even know who he is anymore. We barely communicate. We're not a couple. We're together for no apparent reason. But I love him. Does he love me? He's changing. Becoming like other guys. Sniggering at dirty jokes regarding easy women. I don't appreciate it. I don't like it when he talks about other girls, when he has a life that doesn't include me in it.

I feel the tears running down my face, finally landing on the table top. The blot thickens and spreads through a tiny portion of the table, before finally rippling into evaporation. I was right. He never even enquired about my blog. He doesn't even notice me for me. It's always DotA or something else. But yet I still love him more than ever.

It's never me.

I'm going to wake up in the morning with damp hair, a tear-stained pillow and a hole in my heart.

2010-11-20T17:13:00.008+11:00

He just called me from work and said he can't wait to see me tomorrow ^___^. In his cute Baby voice! I'm happy again, Meep. Baby can change my mood so easily. I love him soooo much, if only he knew though..

2010-11-20T13:12:00.008+11:00

It hurts knowing that he wasn't keen on finding out my new blog's URL, although the blog was made solely about him. Even when I joked about not letting him know my new link, I don't think he's going to ever remember that I ever made this blog. Is it not human instinct to be curious, especially if you know that somebody (a loved one?) is writing about you? I've served him my blog on a silver platter waiting for him to tell me I'm sweet, and thank you. I guess it's not worth thanking me for, as there will be times I'd vent about him here.

Perhaps I'm too smothering. I've been trying so hard to give him space and I'm not sure if it's working. He seems happy to be away from me..

But if he's happy, then I'm genuinely happy.